When Listening Isn’t Enough
One of the most common complaints I hear from couples in conflict is, “My partner isn’t hearing me!” It’s a sentiment we can all relate to—the frustration of trying to express ourselves, only to feel like the other person isn’t truly listening. But here’s the truth: in most communication, being heard isn’t the ultimate goal. In fact, being heard alone isn’t enough. That’s why, even when your partner can repeat back exactly what you’ve said, it often doesn’t bring the relief you’re looking for.
Don’t get me wrong—being heard is important. I regularly help couples practice reflections, where they rephrase what they’ve just heard from their partner. It’s a valuable skill. However, when we focus solely on being heard, we risk missing the bigger picture. What we’re really striving for in our conversations is something deeper: the goal of being understood.
Understanding goes beyond just hearing words. It involves actively engaging with the content and meaning behind what’s being shared. Think about reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to a podcast. If you can’t make sense of the content—whether it’s because it’s too complex or in a language you don’t understand—it loses its value. You’re consuming it, but you can’t connect with it or be impacted by it. The same principle applies to conversations: understanding requires more than just surface-level listening.
When we truly understand someone, we don’t just hear their words. We tune into their emotions, thought processes, and the experiences that shaped their perspective. This is where many couples get stuck. They’re having the same arguments repeatedly because they’re focused on being heard rather than making the effort to understand. Listening without engaging actively doesn’t break the cycle.
Moving From Listening to Understanding
So what can we do to actively engage with what our partner is saying?
1. Start with Curiosity
When your partner speaks, begin by asking yourself:
What feelings are they expressing?
What thoughts or experiences might have led to these feelings?
Instead of preparing a defense or crafting your response, focus on tuning into their emotions. Curiosity about their perspective lays the groundwork for deeper understanding.
2. Respond to Emotions, Not Just Words
For example, if your partner says, “You never help around the house,” resist the urge to react defensively by saying, “That’s not true; I did the dishes yesterday.” Instead, try something like:
“It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you feel you’re carrying a lot on your own. Is that right?”
This kind of response demonstrates that you’re actively engaging with their emotions and perspective, not just their words.
3. Validate, Even If You Disagree
The importance of validation in any kind of discussion with your partner deserves a whole series of blog posts all on its own. Validation isn’t about agreeing or admitting fault—it’s about showing empathy and engaging with your partner’s experience. Start your response with phrases like:
“That makes sense because…”
“I can see why you’d feel that way given that…”
These phrases signal that you value their perspective and are making an effort to connect with how and why their feelings have developed.
Understanding doesn’t happen by accident. It’s an active process that takes intention, effort, and compassion. It demands more than just listening—it requires empathy and engagement. But when both partners commit to this practice, they build greater intimacy and trust, creating a relationship where what they share truly matters.
So, the next time you’re in a difficult conversation with your partner, pause and ask yourself: “Am I just listening, or am I trying to understand?” The difference is profound—and it can transform the way you connect.
