How Defensiveness Can Be Good for a Relationship

couples therapyindividual therapy
Written By LAURA WAKEFIELD

We’ve all been there—someone gives us feedback, questions our actions, or disagrees with our perspective, and suddenly, we feel it: defensiveness.

For some, it’s a flush of heat creeping up the back of the neck; for others, it’s a knot in the stomach. It’s instinctive and normal, but defensiveness often gets a bad reputation. Why? As many therapists will tell you, research highlights its negative impact on relationships. In fact, defensiveness is one of the "Four Horsemen"—the top predictors of divorce—alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling (Gottman, 2014).

When you’re on the receiving end, defensiveness can feel like a door slammed in your face or a dismissive shrug in response to a cry of pain. It shuts down conversations, isolates the other person, and often heightens tension.

But what if we thought of defensiveness differently? Instead of it being a problem, what if we saw it as an opportunity?

Protecting What Matters

Let’s start with the definition of defensiveness: “serving to defend or protect” (Merriam-Webster, n.d.) As humans, we instinctively protect what matters most to us. When defensiveness shows up, it signals that something we value feels under threat.

For example, imagine one partner expressing hurt or an issue in the relationship, and the other responds with, “You’re overreacting—it wasn’t that bad,” or “That’s NOT what I said; what I meant was…” What these defensive responses are signaling is that the partner is trying to protect something important to them.

In moments when we get defensive, we have a choice:

  • Avoid the discomfort of vulnerability and double down on defending ourselves

    or

  • Pause, get curious, and explore what we’re protecting.

Turning Protection into Connection

When we choose curiosity, we open a pathway to connection. Here’s how it might look in practice:

Instead of simply defending themselves, a partner might say:

  • “I’m noticing I feel defensive right now. I think it’s because I’m worried you don’t see me in a good light, and that’s really hard for me.”

  • “I feel defensive, and I think it’s because I’m afraid your anger will grow, and I’ll feel even more distant from you.”

This shift transforms defensiveness into an opportunity for vulnerability and insight. Rather than a wall, it becomes a bridge that helps us let our partners in.

Embrace The Opportunity

The next time you feel defensiveness bubbling up, try this:

  • Take a deep breath and acknowledge the sensation.

  • Ask yourself, “What am I trying to protect right now?”

  • Share this insight with your partner in a way that invites connection.

By naming what you value and fear, you give your partner something meaningful to respond to—something far more compelling and connecting than your defenses.

So go ahead, get defensive. But don’t stop there. Dig into it, and let it guide you toward deeper understanding and connection.

References

Gottman, J. (2014, October 10). The 6 things that predict divorce. The Gottman Institute. The 6 Things That Predict Divorce. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-6-things-that-predict-divorce/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Defensive. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved November 21, 2024, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/defensive

LAURA WAKEFIELD